Messages

This morning I looked at an old oak tree in the middle of the yard and felt such affinity with it I think I must have been a tree once. Then instead of making the graceful transition to a new life my evolution got stuck on a craggy, gray plateau which is neither here nor there. This plateau is bloody uncomfortable, and yet I'm not convinced which path to take off it. There is a vague feeling that I should be striving to be that 'something' I'm meant to be as a human, and then there is the tree I was calling me back into the patterns of the seasons, without emotion, without judgement, without having to DO any frigging anything except be a tree.

Faith, the cat, has just dived into the day lilies, probably the safest spot for some innocent creature they are so dense. Oh to be a cat and not have to think before you jump. I mean if only what I am meant to do would be the desire that would overpower all the others tumbling in my head what life that would be.

Two days ago I looked past my computer screen into the garden and there was a little man there. I mean it looked like a statue of an emaciated, grey brown man who definitely wasn't there the day before was looking in at me. Not just looking either, his expression, whole attitude was saying he'd been neglected, forgotten, needed attention before its too late. It took quite a while for me to realize he had materialized from a the remnants of a spectacular pale pink iris and was not some wooden voodoo figure or a pixie playing tricks. (Bizarre huh? I did feel a twinge of a vague fear until I came up with the explanation)

Yesterday morning I woke up crying from a dream. My mother was alive and it was Christmas. All of us kids were there, our present ages (40 somethings), but none of our families. And the Christmas tree was beautiful and everyone was opening presents and I kept waiting and looking for mine but there was nothing with my name on it. And nobody was talking to me, like I didn't exist for them, even though I was there and talking to them. I was trying not to feel left out and telling myself how pathetic it was to be disappointed about not getting a gift, telling myself Christmas is about love, and that real love is a gift that does not expect anything in return. But I was so sad, and I woke up crying.

And I was thinking about messages, like these thoughts that tumble through my head occasionally stop enough to let in a little space and a message pops up (think bingo). That is a blessing, a miracle, ... and a problem. I mean I don't want to miss what they are telling me, but trying to analyze these messages to find out what I should do sucks, and it takes up even more space.

I think I want to be a cat now - see message "chipmunk running into lilies" follow instinct - dive after it. Result: sometimes I get a treat, sometimes I don't, but I always get to enjoy the chase.