why?

I am tired of feeling lonely and isolated from the world. I am tired of feeling like a victim to my circumstance and that no one wants to hear what I have to say. So ... I start blogging.

And I have lots to say but when I sit in front of the computer the words seem to get stuck in the boggy place that is my mind saying they need to be meaningful. Pah! What is meaningful??

Meaningful (in this instance) is another word for fear - fear of what?? Fear of being laughed at, thought trivial or stupid or boring, or worse yet - irrelevant. The little judge and jury hanging out in my head seem biased toward the prosecutor who makes up all kinds of stories about what is 'meaningful'. This prosecutor is inconsistant, manipulative and completely irrational, but his stories are convincing, and the poor defense guy, who's basic premise is that no life is irrelevant and that everyone has the right to choose what is meaningful to them for themselves, has no fancy moves but only his deep faith in these truths. (Meaningful in this context is 'of value')

Okay, I am going beyond that now...

I have been listening to Eckhert Tolle's "A New Life" on cd while I work in the pear orchard. (This is in part an effort to strengthen the case for the defense) And he tells a story about two monks that sticks with me: (paraphrasing here)

Two Buddhist monks were walking to their next monastery. In the morning they came to a stream, swollen and muddy with rain. Beside the stream was a woman in a beautiful dress. It was obvious she could not cross without getting her dress muddy so one of the monks picked her up and carried her across. The monks continued on their journey in silence. In the evening as they approached the monastery the one monk asks "Why did you pick that woman up and carry her across the stream? You know we monks are not supposed to do that" And the other monk replies, "I set her down on the other side of the stream, you have been carrying her all day"

Okay, I feel better now, set down that meaningful stuff and moving on ... But I did not say in this post the 'why' that I originally intended about why start this blog. That I shall try again for on a braver day.