Persian Carpets?

Like yesterday and the day before I worked in the garden today. Had help which was cool, first Jill came for coffee and pulled some weeds, then Lisa and her dog Ilse showed up and we pulled some more. Place is looking great, even I can see beyond what isn't done to the beauty now. Lisa, bless her, took over wheelbarrowing mulch and my back is sooooo grateful ... better than a massage Lisa!

After we had a beer, maybe two, Lisa left and I lay down because yesterday's mulching caught up with me. And I was into this delicious drift, part sleep, part awareness of how wonderful it was to be lying down when there was a heavy rapping on the door. First I thought "oh shit" I'll just ignore it, then I thought it might be someone I really wanted to see, some long lost friend or maybe even someone bringing me flowers (well, stranger things have happened-someone brought me a gingerbread house with lights out of the blue at Christmas).

I opened the door and there was this man, in a suit, at almost 6:00 Saturday evening, standing there and a blue van in the driveway. I'm usually polite, and never thought to make this an expection, but inside I was not happy. Anyways, he smiles and says hello and then asks if I'm German??? I say no, and he says well the name at the top of the driveway is a German name, and he's German so he thought it might be German people that lived here ... huh??? He did not look German at all, more middle east or something, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Then he asks if I like carpets ... huh? (In my ideal world this is not how I want to be woken up) Turns out he's selling Persian Carpets - real ones mind you - for 2 or 3 dollars ... I did not go to the van, did not pass go, said goodbye and watched them drive up the lane.

There is something here that does not make any sense to me. Unfortunately I started thinking about robbers scoping out houses and stuff like that. Fortunately I remembered that I believe fear and mistrust are no way to live life and I put it down as another odd incident that probably has some meaning I'm too tired to think of. I mean, in a world that makes a movie about Snakes on a Plane there seems no limit to the bizarre and pointless (in my perspective) things that people get up to.

In case anyone is as lost as I am with this I'm adding a couple of garden pictures to get back to my version of sanity. (please notice the mulching)

Sidetracked

Last night I decided this morning was to be all about the garden and I was going to be very firm about it. Then when the morning I got sidetracked. I'm forgiving myself about the lack of willpower because it's been an amazing journey and not time wasted at all, but Erica and Mark's wedding is two weeks today and since I offered this place for the reception I do feel the need to get the gardens ready. First though I want to make some noise cause stuff is all going around in my head and I don't want to lose it without speaking it somewhere.

It all started with getting up to drive Morgan to work for 7 am. Got home and decided if I started working then I'd not last through the day so I made tea and went back to bed thinking I'd read a few pages then fall asleep for another hour. Opened the book I was saving for a morning read because it is too graphic for night time reading. Finished the book - Shopping Cart Soldiers by John Mulligan.

After the first few chapters of rough going there were glimmers, then streaks, then flash in the face recognition that the same battles within this Vietnam vet are being fought in me. It's all there, everything ... God, the devil, hate, fear, compassion, forgiveness, loneliness, self pity, hanging on to the past as an excuse for not living now, hiding, hiding, hiding ... fear, imagination, delusions of reality

This is not new; just a different frame of worlds and words of experience - which touched me and that always makes me cry. And crying is my guage of beauty - the beauty of my heart responding - means I'm not dead yet.

Here's a couple of quotes I couldn't pass by:
"Aye, that's right," Silverbright agrees. "Don't ever forget it. Anything goes in the Land of the Truly Alive! You'll find whatever you're lookin' for no matter where you're lookin' - as long as you've the eyes to see, Finn. That's the answer son, that's the answer!"

and
"Everything true and special is simple"

Now ain't that cool stuff to take to the garden?

Looking for love

Today I didn't have to look for love, it showed up. In fact it shows up everyday, but sometimes I can be too busy missing having the lover kind of love that I don't pay attention to the the love that I do have.
I am paying attention now ... and I am saying a huge Thank you and I am appreciating everyone who loves me with all my heart.
(which doesn't mean there isn't space for any other, there is always room for more love :) )

I like them scrambled with cheese and salsa

I've been thinking about being an adult - as in growing up and what that means. There are times, like when I'm driving to play hockey or taking the train to Toronto for a course, when I think "cool, I have a life that I've made all by myself, just like the big people". But choosing to be one of the big people full time seems a little scary ...

Based on age I've been an adult for a very long time, and I imagine to my kids and 'little' people I seem no different than the rest. So why do I still have this jelly stuff inside me? Why do I not always (or even often) know what to do? Or even how to do it when I think I know what? Most of everything I do is still guess work and gut work and blind fumbling to find my way.

A friend told me he was going to start being an adult (he's 49, same as me) and I asked what that meant. He said it was time to become financially reponsible. I said that sounded good (I'm a lot like Julia Roberts and the eggs in Runaway Bride about this adult thing). And I started thinking about making up a budget and figuring out my spending patterns and preparing an action plan from there to best utilize my resources in the present and plan for the future.

Later I was googling around and saw some pictures of people; injured and bloody people and crying women and men and dead of all ages in Lebannon and I thought that it might be more adult to spend my energy on figuring out what the resources I have could do to help these people and prevent this happening. Perhaps this is a time to be human and let my head listen to my heart.

This past Friday, a little north of here, two small planes collided and three people were killed. This happens of course ... we hear about people dying in accidents all the time right? Only this time it wasn't people, it was Dave. On Saturday morning I got the call and my little world shook. At one time a very close friend, one of my ex's best friends, he was in our wedding party, we all travelled and partied and spent every Christmas Eve and August long weekend together for years and years. Dave is (and I will keep that as 'is' because he still is in our memories) a warm, caring and lovely person who will be missed by a lot of people.

I feel like a 'big' person now. That financial stuff; it may be important but it ain't nothing compared to this.